either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
