Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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