my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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