if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
from now on my penis is your penis
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize