My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
