Betty ford says i'm here all night
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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