well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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