3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
