Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize