After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
