I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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