Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize