did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
