Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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