I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
