I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
