atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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