I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize