I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
