after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
