he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
