Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
