so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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