I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you will always have a special place in my vag
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize