You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
