one might say we're banned from that church
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
