my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
