idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
