I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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