Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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