Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize