You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
