So drunk its hurt
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
