Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
