The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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