I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
