I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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