Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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