you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
