My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
