Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
