On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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