The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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