i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize