Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
