guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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