I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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