Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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