it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
