maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
